Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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