I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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