I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
