I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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