im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
as a side note pls kill me
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