I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
