ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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