My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
