i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I FOUND THE LEGS
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Randomize
