the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Randomize
