i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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