If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I have aggressive nipples.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Randomize
