She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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