Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
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