Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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