before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Randomize
