I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
it's like iHOP with fire
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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