from now on my penis is your penis
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
