New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
