Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
