I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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