dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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