The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
