Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
