I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
