He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize
