I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
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