he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
i think my cat just said my name.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
