My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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