dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
handjob tips. give me some.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
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