My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Randomize
