The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Randomize
