I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
