Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
