So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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