I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Randomize
