there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
