I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
