either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
