Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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