I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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