well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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