the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
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No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
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I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
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