god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
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