Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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