420 ftw
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
