I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
