I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
