so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
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