if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I have already put on my inside pants.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
