Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
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