someone get that fucking seahorse.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
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