Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
