One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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