every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
