How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
