so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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