The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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