I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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