Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
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