Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
