i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Randomize
