Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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