You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
