Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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