Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Randomize
