i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
